I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
you know he's having a sex change. I can't believe you called him "titty man" to his face....
he let me duct tape his mouth because i said it was my fetish, i really just wanted him to shut up
stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.
I just told a squirrel he was gonna suffocate because he was eating a plastic bag. and i stared at him till he spit it out. Its official, I love squirrels more than people. they actually listen.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
I found your missing hash cookies. Fuck you and I'm sorry but there are only 2 left. I already had the munchies.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You carved your initals into all my vitamins and said "now a small part of me will be in you every morning" before you fell asleep with my thong on your head.
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Randomize
