My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
So my mom wants me to come swim with dolphins with my little sisters in October. I'm not sure how to tell her I saw a "when dolphins attack" special when I was rolling and am now terrified of them.
They invented a new game at work. Its called guess if I'm baked, hungover, drunk, or some combination of the three. Its surprisingly very difficult..
But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.
What alcohol should i drink Saturday to completely hate life?
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
I tried eating pop-rocks while giving him a bj, I honestly think I was more disappointed with the results than he was.
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
Randomize
