it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
This kid is drunk.
I hope by "this kid" you mean yourself and not some child you have kidnapped and gotten wasted.
He asked me If i had cheated on my boyfriend when I said no he said it's like he doesnt know me anymore
his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
The Game of Thrones convention was just a drunk fuckfest.
Please tell me you banged Jon Snow.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
Randomize
