Note to self. Condoms are not microwavable.
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
Me and Jason had to grab your legs and arms and drag you in the house. You kept screaming "leave me for dead"
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
went to class still drunk this morning and my professor made the class give me a round of applause and said, "see people, THIS is inspirational... if she can make it to class in this condition there is no excuse not to show up!"
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
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