Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg
so what did you do?
I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!
i just got so high i needed a buddy system to the kitchen
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
i need to start buying Plan B in bulk and leaving them at the door. I'm really sick of walking to CVS with my one-nighters
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
Randomize
