I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.
I hope God doesn't listen to everybody on a Saturday night.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
