When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
I had mdma, weed, and alcohol in my system. My doctor seems to think that's how I tore my groin.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
Just realized I've spent more nights sleeping on bathroom floors the last two weeks than in my own bed. It's time to reevaluate my life.
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