I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
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