He came through my line today and bought designer impostor perfume, just for men gel, and astroglide. I almost DIED.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
I think I'd rather ejaculate tabasco. You'd have to scrape out guacamole.
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Had a dream I beat up niall then madeout with him while snorting coke out of a dragons egg
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
So like if I threw up in my purse is that "don't ever show your face in public again" worthy or just slightly frowned upon
If Plan B had a rewards card I would have earned so many free tote bags by now
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
I think we might need a safe word for this...
Randomize
