I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
I could make wine with my vomit
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
I need to cry about outer space to someone. Can I call you?
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Ah that wonderful moment when you realise the bookmark you were using in a book you lent your mum is actually a receipt from a strip club
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I smell like hot dogs and captain morgan it's 11:20 am what is my life
So do you guys remember Danny from Tinder?
Sorry I only remember personality traits, not names.
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