Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
So I just told the bartender I would go down on her. You need to get here
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
So please don't worry, but I need some help getting blood out of my drywall so I can get my security deposit back. I would not ask if the need was not great.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
she grabed my junk and started making lightsaber noises
I wonder if you could get her in a metal bikini
I just put condoms in a mason jar because it looked prettier than the box.I think I've peaked.
I really want to stop getting this drunk. I've got the Sunday scaries and it's only Saturday
Randomize
