I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
My Higher Power is John Stamos
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
Woke up in my underwear and Christmas sweater. Only. Eggnog has won the battle but not the war.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
We need to talk about the sailor moon porn. Do what you want in your room, but I don't want to come home to you cranking it on the couch to that.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Right?? Give me some apple scented candles and I'm a fall wet dream
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Nothing like walk of shaming to the bus stop in your bar clothes at noon and seeing the fire truck you work on drive past with the other shift giving you thumbs up.. Brotherhood at its finest
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