literally had 100 drinks last night.
A hot woman with candy. This is what heaven is filled with
she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
my dad is going to jail this weekend
where are we going to get our weed from?
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
I'm sorry I pissed in your bedroom and then woke you up when I tried to jump off the balcony
She asked me if I would fuck her with my storm trooper mask on
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
