That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Omg I'm so stupid. All the peoples fb status that said "spain" I thought they were all going to spain.......
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
Unless you've also woken up wearing a poncho and a ring pop, I suggest you don't judge me. Okay, I even judged myself for that.
And then I cried about the Cubs for a half hour. If my dignity hadn't already been lost by that point in the night, it sure as hell was then.
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
I warned you. Don't come crying to me when your vagina refuses to forgive you for this.
I don't think I've ever been sadder than the way I feel when I finish my meal while I'm high
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
At what point in a new hookup do you tell the guy you need to wear a mouth guard when you sleepover because of your TMJ? Asking for a friend.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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