i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.
i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall
i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I am officially out of liquor stores within a 15 mile radius that don't recognize me as soon as I walk in the door.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
Does your drug dealer have a printer I can use??
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Just got thrown out of the club for making condom water balloons. I'm not ashamed.
I’m inviting a few of my favorite manwhores to a pool party. Bring booze and wear your banana hammock so Amy can see what I’m always talking about
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