I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Yes..we had amazing sex that I have a 50 percent chance of remembering.
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
We didnt even know he was in the house until he came downstairs and asked why he was wet
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Just had to find a way to explain to the border patrol that we were coming into canada "for about a half hour to have one last under 21 drink before kendals birthday at midnight." He said ok and told us where the closest bar was. Nice man.
Diet Starts Tomorrow! Guy from McDonalds asked if I got a new car...
Just text him and be like do you want this pussy or not. You have three seconds to respond.
Ok. As long as I can keep Kevin contained to the room I'll be ok. If not u might have a naked puking Kevin at ur door
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Cockblock successful. That's for pouring nacho cheese on my flatscreen, asshole.
Randomize
