I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
I was so high I couldnt even listen to music i was terrified of the potential knowledge i would gain.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"
did it work
that's not the point...
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
ok so I've decided, new penis Thursday (formally known as new people Thursday) will need to be put on hold next week in preparation for Friday
Memorial weekend is the following week genius. New penis Thursday countdown has already begun.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
I had perfectly good intentions but my penis had other ideas and now I need a place to crash what do you say
Randomize
