Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
I've fucked 6 of my brothers' friends. I'm completely fine with him fucking the girl we ate lunch with.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
Realistically you can't tell me you're gonna put mashed potatoes on your dick and expect me not to get excited
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
when you come over can you bring tequila and my birth control? Thanks girl!
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