Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
I'm your Election Erection Connection
I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
twas supposed to be night one of rebound break but it was night one of get sloppy drunk and dance half naked in an ice shack
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
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