I think I left something in your back seat.... It was my integrity
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
So I fucked that hot french guy last night
You do know he's the one who threw up on our table, right? You get to clean it up.
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing
and semen
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.
There are reggae songs being written about me...where have I gone wrong in life?
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
I didn't want to leave, I wanted to move into his ass
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