so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.
Atty had lunch with DA and confirmed I am not the target of the investigation. No word on anything else
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME
I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
It's gotten to a point that when guys say "I'm gonna cum" I've developed a habit of responding "dooo itttt" in a deep voice. #isthatweird
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
Stumbled out of my bed this morning into the bathroom at 8 am still drunk, obviously. The Mormon on my floor was in the bathroom. I could practically hear her doing hail marys for me.
Randomize
