i can't believe he got me to come over to him by waving a natty light at me.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
I think for all the guys in my phone, I'm going to change their pictures to pics of their dicks. It's easier to identify them that way.
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.
Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
then looked at this little girl next to me and was like "don't drink when you get older and don't let your best friend be with assholes." she looked at me like i was crazy
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Good thing my vagina doesn't have a chronometer on it. I'm sure my fiance would be horrified. Probably 10 miles from this past weekend alone.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
Randomize
