I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Latenightwjoannablackberrywontletmespaceitknowsimdrunk
My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.
Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?
I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.
The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.
I was in the shower, he came in, had me give him a blow job, and left. I'm pretty sure I was just booty called. While taking a shower.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
He was pretty handsy. Told me I tasted like smoke. Good think he tasted that and not the stomach acid I just puked not ten minutes before.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
low point of the night : a cop just busted out laughing at me.
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