I'm at the bar with Ashley what should I do?
humiliate her
he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
PS- did you die? If you did just text "dead" to me, so that I know.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
I'm here to help build your repertoire of drunken shenanigans and I should have been arrested stories
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Realizing life ain't all about burritos and strippers, it's a struggle out there, and it ain't looking pretty so far,..
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Randomize
