So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
You'd be surprised at how many crooked penises are out there
Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
I think your high point was when the quesadilla was in your mouth and you were screaming "I can't chew!" and the Taco Bell guy just kinda stared at you like he wanted to strangle.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
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