the crunchwrap supreme is the def leppard of the taco bell menu
which is why it's clearly superior
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
do you ever just like the smell of your farts?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys
I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem
ttyl tear gas
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
Just accidentally flashed my junk to the lady helping me try on suits, it was cold in there, I don't think she was impressed.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
using my tits for other peoples nudes hit me up business in the making
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize
