im typing and i feel like my hands are on backwards.
Stop texting me, I'm right here.
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
So last night ended up making out with a girl going to jail on sunday...she wrote down her address so I can make conjugal visits...
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
I thought I could grab a hold of my stream of urine. So she left pretty soon after that.
me + whiskey = a bad person
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
handcuff keys just fell out of my bra....wtf happened last night?
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
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