Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...
He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b
Is it love? I honestly haven't even thought about watching porn for over a week now, and haven't thought about fucking any strangers either. It's quite eerie.
I can't leave your house without my underwear spending the night.
And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian
Let's just face it you're going to have an arrangement with your future wife your fuck me on Thursdays
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