I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Pack light, we're going straight to bar from the train. No place to put our shit.
Dude all I'm bringing is my dick and a phone charger.
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
I SHITYOUNOT DAN JUST PUNCHED A DEER IN THE FACE. MID LEAP.
That's what he gets for shittin at the strip club. Who does that??
I spent most of my night in the men's room eating popcorn on the garbage can conversing with strangers pissing
Just keep your throat open and beer will always find its way in.
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Still drunk. lying on the floor just rubbing my cats nipples
The only thing I want for my birthday is a divorce from you.
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