My hair reeks of homosexuality.
did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
The fact that it neither of us came up with the reason of "it's morally and ethically wrong" speaks volumes about this relationship
I can not believe he edited a picture of our three way and made it his profile picture
I don't mean to crush your hopes and dreams but having sex IN the Stanley Cup isn't possible
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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