Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
i have wind burn on my face from my head hanging out the window of the cab vomitting
Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I'm having a hard time eating my sandwich knowing how many different buttholes my hands were in last night.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
also, I think I lit my hair on fire when I got home..
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
