I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.
First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
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2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
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Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
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