I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
No stitches, just platelets and will power
My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
She kept grabbing my head and told my faces to stop shaking.. Also, she kept whispering something about seeing flowers in my eyes.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
His flight was delayed by two hours though. I just got cock-blocked by clouds :(
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Or is it distressingly heterosexual?
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
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