Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.
I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.
Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.
So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"
the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.
Right now he's sitting in the chair pointing to me to go away. He's trying to have quiet time with his penis.
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
After closing we did it on every flat surface in the bar. Best use a coaster if you're coming to happy hour today.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I'm constantly crying, and now I start crying every time I masturbate which is a fun development.
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
Randomize
