If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
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I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
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HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I had to break it to her that she was not in fact behind the bushes when she peed on the church last night
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
Afterwards the first thing I said was, "You know, you're probably the first guy who has ever gotten laid wearing Star Wars pajama bottoms."
This is a hangover from hell. Delivered by the devil himself.
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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