My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.
REALLY should have cleaned under my bed before I had my parents come help me pack...things my parents just found: several condoms and a bottle of lube. My mom when she found a condom: "ooo ribbed. Laura's a lucky girl"
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
