R and i have drinken 4 bottles od red wine. By ourselfs
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I just test ran being their maid. I'm getting 50 bucks a month and they're buying the costume.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I was tackling you out of excitement
Yeah thank goodness the stripper pole was there to break my fall.
I literally used, "MY VAGINA IS TOO FANTASTIC FOR HIM TO STAY GAY" as a valid argument for attempting to fuck my gay friend.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
New drink: empty coke can vodka water maple syrup. Get on my level
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Nothing showshows the government the middle finger more than spending your tax refund on drugs
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
Randomize
