I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
yours is so small it looks like an acorn!!
What's the name of that girl you hooked up with? The one that looks like the fire hose sign.
So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?
Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.
I actually didn't mind her sub-par blowjob skills.. It took me back to a time when skipping class was noticed, and my liver didn't look like a worn out shoe
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Who are these men, what are we doing here, how is this helping us toward our goals of sex and pasta? Things to consider.
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
holy shit! you were walking down a hill and just happened to be passing a trash can like 4 ft away and projectile vomited over a fence into the trash can. kept walking and drank a beer.
Randomize
