you need to do more things constructive for your career. like wearing pants more often.
My Vagina smells like Nemo again.
sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I have a critically important question to ask.
Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
Haha yeah my head's fine..sorry about the dent in your fridge.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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