Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night
You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
Listen to me plotting my whoredom.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
I opened a bud lite with a fencing sword last night. Yeah you banged that guy.
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Getting a UTI was SO NOT on my wishlist for the holidays
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Randomize
