We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas
I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
Just croosed over that too drunk for chemistry class line
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Even worse we were making a sex tape so our reaction to the condom breaking was recorded.
I feel like my body was put in a dryer with rocks set on permanent press.
That's probably why white girls drink so much espresso. Piledriving coke and vodka crans takes a fucking toll man
Thirty seconds is a long time in jizz time...
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Before making travel and hotel reservations to meet your "affair" for the first time, consult your menstrual calendar! $633 wasted!
Long story short wrist restraints, Apple Watch and cumming all don’t mix
Randomize
