I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
you're just mad cause i madeout with you while having a mouth full of chewed pretzels
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
Lets just say I chased with a burrito.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Also. When I die, I'm gonna have them put me in the casket naked and then have an open casket funeral. That will be my last chance to make people uncomfortable.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
You told everybody that you were a dragon and then projectile vomited all over the kitchen.
Randomize
