She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.
You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I'm only friends with her because I can't stop watching the train wreck.
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
I've been really sick the past 4 days. Last night, I actually turned down a bj. I may be dying.
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
U NO SLUT. YOUR HEART IS JUST FREE.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
