I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
they won't let me drive with my sombrero
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
I found him in the kitchen singing German metal into a banana while simultaneously mixing brownie batter. He didn't have any pants on.
sex on a roof was cool and all but that superhero argument was the best part of the night hands down
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
I just want you to make me second guess my worth as a human. Is that too much to ask?
Are you still in his room?
Nope, yogged home at 8 am with one shoe on.
Dude I'm drinking alone and watching cartoons. How is it that someone as hot as me is doing this.
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