I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.
I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
No one should ever have to Neosporin their nipples. At least he apologized.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
I'm like, not good at living.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
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