Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
What about.....a game of twister and....wait..nevermind. I've hit my cap for sexualizing things today.
Well, now that you have a gf, its gonna be awkward when I get drunk and make out with you..... Then later, pretend like I don't remember.
Just found weed in an empty handle. Who knew Capitan Morgan was also a gardener?
Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?
Who needs sounds of the ocean? I just fall asleep to whatever chubby he is banging next door.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
I woke up to my roommate checking my pulse
I think my teeth are moving, they feel like people.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
Randomize
