Kroger has a sale on economy packs of some ridic brand of condom with a smiley devil heart on it $4.99 for 24
Sounds like a baby waitign to happen
he ate out my asshole, i really don't think he gets embarrassed easily.
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
I just remembered I did the whole byebyebye dance at the bar
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
Randomize
