he told me I talked like a deaf person
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
See,its just the last time this situation happened I ended up hiding in a closet on my birthday
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Apparently the guy with the moaning gf that lives above us is in my DES class... AWKWARD
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Oh god he’s a clown I fucked a rodeo clown
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
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