I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox
without a question
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Well for starters, her tits were hairy.
You kept trying to make people drink "salsa-ritas." But all you did was dump tequila in a half full jar of salsa, and shove it in people's faces while shouting at them.
all we have is white fucking wine this is a travesty it's christmas not a fucking funeral
I've orgasmed so many times tonight I think I've become enlightened
Hydrocodon makes you feel like a fairy made out of pudding
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Aiming to get laid tonight but if it falls thru I'm either gonna make a mixtape for my sugar daddy or sew a teddy bear for his newborn
As you were falling you yelled out, "save my burrito!" Priorities
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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