hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
No work today. I woke up and someone had written "Markhot Penis = Party" on my forehead in sharpie. Do you know a Mark?
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
I wouldn't be too worried. He's been known to chase a chubby before.
THAT IS NOT HOW YOU TALK TO YOUR SISTER
Seriously dude...who threw up on Michelle? She's been crying for like an hour
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
