Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
Why did every guy I have ever slept with have to come into the library today?
he just quoted gucci mane to try and get me to give him head.
Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
no more duck duck goose at the bar
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
I will take a blow job from a dude that kinda looks like a girl at this point
Pretty sure that's a used tampon hanging from the tree outside my window.
I look like shit btw. Like the joker from Batman.
I'm not sure how that's possible unless you put on face paint. Which I would respect.
This girl invited us back on the promise of weed and strudel...she delivered neither.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Randomize
