I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.
This is the first time I have ever hoped it's poison ivy on my cock
I was so intoxicated last night I was giving out my real name and number ugh.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.
Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
If you wanna do actual business call my office. If you’re just looking to get laid you need to up your game
we cut you off when you started chasing with your slim fast shake
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