did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Mom found my vibrator. all the said was 'wow, I've never seen one like this before.'
we don't live in the stone age anymore, mom
were with a gay guy with a minnesota accent. think about how funny that sounds.
Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.
I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments
She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?
When I was with you my penis felt like a fat woman crammed into a pair of lulu lemons
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
I FINALLY GET TO MASTURBATE. SO EXCITED.
tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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