we were just talking about designated drivers and i suggested we each hire a mexican day laborer to give us piggy back rides... i have the best ideas eveeer
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Is putting "Tonight I'm Fucking You" on my date playlist too forward?
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
This morning we had sex while he was wearing a full length fur jacket and sunglasses... I wasn't even phased
Swear to god, somebody just drove by with mickey mouse in their passenger seat and he waved at me.
Randomize
