I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
At least our walk of shames never included a bag of chips and a jar of queso..
It took him an hour to realize I wasn't this "Sarah" girl, and by then he was already crying and eating pizza rolls.
I literally paid cover, got kicked out. Tried to explain that I was just clumsy, but mispronounced it. Then I got pissed off, stormed out..and clotheslined myself on a velvet rope. How was your night?
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
A man can only lie in bed watching COPS for so long before he wants to do things that can lead him to starring on the show.
I'm ready to run through the streets naked yelling "HES ALIVE!"
I need dick so bad, I’m dressing sexy for the school pick up line and sports practices to entice a few of the DILFs
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