Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
My body is being held together with whiskey, nicotine, duct tape and a little bit of hope...
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I was sleeping pretty good until your cat pooped loudly. I dreamed that a full grown man was pooping on my ear. It startled me.
I think it was a low point but honestly at this point I've had so many that my life is like a valley
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
it is time to test the effects of half a loaf of bread and overconfidence on the human body
Randomize
