Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
just weighed my balls on my pocket scale. that high.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!
You need to fuck him. The man has his own Wikipedia.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
Randomize
