Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
I think I will be cutting those pills in half...Jesus just tried to sell me a toothbrush.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
HahahahahaHAHAHAHAHAHAHA MY LIFE IS A CAUTIONARY TALE
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
So, do I need to remind you to keep it classy tonight?
No, because if you have to be reminded it isn't classy.
Randomize
