Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
He was stoned and starts screaming, "I ain't got but a dollar, I wanna hear waterfalls!". Maybe he can hang with us....
He's pretending to be my boyfriend so that my family won't bother us when we sneak off to smoke weed
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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