checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
Is it bad that I stopped wanting to fuck her as soon as I noticed she had dry skin?
I sometimes completely doubt that you're straight.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
Any time you've had a failed relationship, I blast No Sex for Ben by The Rapture and dance around my room. I wish I was joking.
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
Just fell off my bed trying to pose and take a nude for you. Probably broke my wrist
Did I tell you guys I was bisexual last night? I just had a flashback
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
Randomize
