guy from last night has fluorescent crocs in his closet. judging by the rest of his clothes he doesn't wear them in an ironic way
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
I'd be there a lot sooner if these damn stairs would stop moving.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I tried to help you up but you said "let me dance it off"
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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