His vagina is bleeding blood all over the court
life is all about the fine print - all i wanted was a fucking pony.
You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.
I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
We had him convinced Visine is flammable. He was genuinely freaked out that everyone would know when he was stoned.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
He said I have a comfortable vagina. What does that even mean?
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
