he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
Ok so serious question: if one wanted to say the plural of mongoose, would it be mongooses or mongeese?
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
Nobody cheats on THIS.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
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