i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.
Hey thanks again for rolling me that blunt necklace. It was amazing.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
A nice make out session never hurt anyone. Plus he's a pilot, so he'll know the safety procedures for when the night crashes and burns.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
It all started because he put my damn phone in his pants. By his crotch nonetheless.
I thought if I bought the most expensive pregnancy test I would look like I had my life together
I felt like I needed to shower with a Mr. Clean Magic Eraser.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
My history professo slid into my DMs. Granted I did give him “fuck me” eyes during a lecture a few times.
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